The Reward of Conformity is everyone likes you, but yourself.

I have spent the past few days taking care of runty little children.  And trying not to kill them.  Today, I stayed in bed because I seem to have come down with a virus wandering around the town.  Fun for me. I was throwing up this morning and it was really painful because most of it was water...water and traces of dinner last night, which I hardly ate because I was on the verge of throwing up.  Fun for me.  Seriously...not. 

I was beyond pissy when Heather, my friend...boss, she called me up today, asking if I could come over and watch her kids, when I was there the night before helping her clean her house. She wanted me to watch the kids so she could go out and have sex.  I mean, I understand, but seriously....I have yet to be paid for taking care of the brats.  She's using me.  I can see it.  I had hoped better, always do.  Then it was thrown in my face.  I am distrusting her, but I don't want to walk out on her.  She seems to really need help, so I vacuum up her house, I do her dishes, I help her with laundry, I am starting to discipline her kids...and when I come back from a few days of not working, the house is trashed already.  I wanted to ...kill.  I had worked so hard, only to come back to potatoe chips all over the carpet, dishes piled up, clothes everywhere.  Seriously...I expected better.  I would not have it.  No.  That just pisses me off.  Heather didn't even try to keep it clean...it just...Chris and I had worked so hard, cleaning anything that seemed to need help...and was just....disgusting.  Not amused. Not amused at all. 

I am staying home tomorrow too.  Hell no am I going out.  I have tried to find some way to help my friend Demarus, but she seems so uninterested in what I am trying to do for her, so there is nothing left for me to do.  Heather doesn't care.  Demarus doesn't care.  Why do I try for them, and they don't even care.  If anything, they walk all over me.  Damn. 


P.S.  K@, I do apologize I haven't replied...I am heading that way now.  Been busy.  Expect an email pretty soon.  Loves *hugs*

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: I Wish I was a Lesbian

Wow, last night was crazy.  Sorry about the outburst.  Been a bit tired, and still getting used to my life now.  I am not upset , just a bit off.  However, I will be fine.  I have always found a way to at least continue on.  Just finished dinner, realized that I still do not like Broccolli.  Kind of sad.  I was hoping I would at least be able to stomaach it.  Too bad.  I gag every time I take a bite.  Oh well, I guess some things just don't change.  Heading over to my best friend's house, only problem is....her house is the only Crypt house in Blood territory.  Not so fun.  I'll be careful...not sure I really want to go, last time I had a chat with Demarus, I wanted to punch her in the face.  We had a discussion that led to her telling me about letting her lover punch her in the stomach even though she is/was pregnant. Whatever.  I was upset, pissed beyond words.  She was lucky we were in a public place, else I would have let loose on her.  I was so close to just wailing out on her.  Damn lucky she was.  I can't believe her!  Why the hell would you let anyone punch you in the stomach when you know you are damn well pregnant?!?!  "I don't think I want the baby..." So you let a guy punch you in the gut.  What the hell.... Seriously...what the fracking hell?  She's changed.  So much.  It's like her and I switched roles after highschool.  Come back later.  Peace Out.

Current Mood: irritated

Another night, another day.  It feels like I am stuck in the middle of a whirlpool.  I feel like I've made a mistake.  Taken a wrong turn somewhere.  I miss my mother.  Such a wussy girl I've turned out to be.  Lying next to my fiancee I am in tears, because I want my mom.  I mean, I miss my dog, my brother, my dad...but damn...My mom is the one I want the most.  I just...wish she were with me right now.   I want  her to hold me, pet my hair, and tell me everything is going to be alright.  I guess I deserve it.  I did just walk out.  Just left.  To live the glorious life I can see, that Chris and I can share.  I have every belief he and I can lead this life, I just feel that...maybe I did step out too early.  I can't sleep.  I feel...hurt.  I tore something up.  I trampled it into the ground.  I am a horrible daughter, spatting in my mother's face when all she has ever done was try and create a comfortable life for me.  I feel absolutely horrible.  There is so much I want to fix, but I don't think I can.  I want my mom.  I feel like breaking down into a temper tantrum, like a little girl again, and have my mom come over, pick me up and whisper that all will be well. 

Current Mood: crushed

It was cold, dark blood all over the snow, tainting the serene purity. Like that of a virgin losing what they hold dear. I could taste a metallic richness, that was sour and sweet, trailing down my quivering chin. I fought the urge to cry, the pain beyond excrutiating, a twisted blade bit my abdomen and I looked into the cold, yellow eyes of the devil.

"Why?"

I sputtered out more of my life's very essence, determined to look him in the eyes, refusing to show any sign of weakness. Not in front of him, never again. His thin pink lips pulled into a smirk, the kind that would send anyone in a tizzy of fear...and in my case arousal. I remember when we first met, he was walking through the marketplace, people passing him by as if they couldn't see him. How could they miss him, I used to wonder. It plagued my mind for the longest time, when he confronted me, taking my lips as his own. I fought him then, a condescending smile shone much like the one that faced me now. He stood, proud and straight, the very symbol of power. An extravagant spread of raven feathered wings broke from his back, the span long enough to shield any prying eyes of our confrontation. Those wings used to tenderly brush my skin, I could still feel the goosebumps that would travel all over my body when we were at our most intimate.

A burning and piercing feeling erupted throughout my being, biting back the cry of pain that threatened to escape, only further injuring myself as the dry skin of my chapped lips split. He only smiled wickedly, seemingly pleased with the action.

"Why not, Makoto-chan?"

The air was tense, cold, and the wind tore at my skin, my flesh becoming cold and slightly blue-tinged. I felt angry, and hurt. How dare he treat me as such....

"You Bastard."

A coy eyebrow raised at my statement and with a slow shift of his wrist, he ravaged the insides of my body, taking pleasure in the soft whimper that managed to escape, despite my attempt of keeping face. 

"It was never meant to be Makoto-chan."

The world was hazy around the edges of my vision, and a frightful dullness reached my senses, like drowning. Shaking my head slightly, I cleared it for a moment and slowly reached for the last kunai I had managed to save, the tip laced with deadly poison, made especially for him. Demetri. The Darkling/demon half-breed. Most wanted throughout the country, killing many with little to no hesitance, raping small girls and boys, then slitting their throats as they experienced their first true orgasm, taking great pleasure in the sounds of  desperation, as their little bodies fall limp, covering both him and themselves in blood. Bastard. How could I have fallen for him? I asked myself that question for many sleepless nights when he wasn't around to entertain our needs. I knew something would have to be done, my mission had not been completed by the set deadline....I couldn't muster the courage to kill someone who made me feel real. I should have done something, instead I sit here, my stomache torn and destroyed, my conciousness quickly leaving me, with him standing above me with that sadistic grin.

"You look so beautiful covered in blood, Makoto-chan...."

I could not suppress the shudder that enveloped my body, both from remembrance of how velvety his voice sounded in my ears, and how sick his words were. They grated against my nerves.

I had to act now...else I would slip before I could do anything. I had to hurt him, to get him to stop...there was something he needed to know....

Gritting my teeth, I prepared myself, then with the last of my adrenaline, a rush of speed, he gasped in surprise. I cried out, coughing blood all over his beautiful pale skin, still very much the dark angel that had taught me to love in the long hours of the night. Tears spilled from my eyes, my body was cold and quickly becoming numb aside from the pain that shot through my spine due to the blade that was jutting out from my back. Cutting the sinews of muscles, the delicacy of flesh, the very bones of my body. I smiled when I heard him let loose a grunt of pain....damn, it wasn't deep enough the long slice that had been slashed across his chest, the poison slowly taking affect. Bastard would live from it.

With much remorse and a touch of vengeance, I whispered in his ear,

"Demetri....I was with child..."

The last thing I saw as I slid off the ragged blade was the look of horror on his face as the weight of the truth became clear to him as snow began to fall over my lifeless body.

"Are you going to the dance, Yuki?"

A bright, blue-eyed girl looked up from her notebook, slightly annoyed with the interruption. She shook her head slowly, then went back to her writings.

"Awww....but why not? I heard Saehara was going to ask you out."

Yuki sighed, shutting the journal just a little too harshly. Clearly she wasn't going to get any writing done right now.

"I am not interested. Besides...I thought you liked him Akemi?"

A pink tinge covered her friend's face and she smiled when a stuttering reply was issued from her trembling lips.

"Well...I d-do....he just seems so much more interested in you."

The girl looked to the side, her eyes downcast and she seemed sad. The visual called out to Yuki and she wrapped her arms around her friend and ruffled her short black hair.

"I am sure, if you ask him...he will take you and forget the very name Yuki."

The bright brown eyes that fixed a moist gaze on Yuki made her smile. She had such a weak spot for Akemi. They had been friends since Elementary school, lived within biking distance of one another, and their parents had become real good friends too. Akemi was so much like a sister to her, especially since she nearly stayed over every other night. They knew just about everything about one another, hardly a secret was kept between them. Not like they would have tried to do that, they were too close to do that. There was even a time, and sometimes even now, where the two of them would spend a few hours a night together, experimenting and exploring. Akemi seemed like she needed it very badly, and Yuki was unable to refuse the girl anything.

"So, you don't want to go to the Winter Dance?"

Akemi did look sad, but she didn't want to push it too far. She knew if she did, Yuki would get irritated, and when that happens she cuts everyone off completely. Akemi also knew that if she made her famous pouty face, Yuki wouldn't be able to resist.

"No."

It was a short, one-word answer. Yuki knew that Akemi hated those, but she really had no reason to explain. She just hated large gatherings. A personal pet peeve. Akemi on the other hand, absolutely loved partying and going out.

"Emi-chan, you just have fun. I will be fine, don't worry."

The short black hair that framed Akemi's face fell a little in her face as she nodded in understanding, then she wrapped her arms around Yuki's waist and buried her face in her chest.

"Okay Yuki-chan, you win this time. But you are taking me to the spring festival, kay?"

She didn't wait for an answer, and stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against Yuki's. A normal ritual between the two of them. A silent bond. Even though Akemi would date other boys, she always came back to Yuki, refusing to let go of their bond. That was fine with Yuki, she loved her silly little friend.

Hot Damn! Listening to Beethoven Virus...I nearly had an orgasm! I have always loved music like this. I just never let get into my life because I decided to follow the norm and be a trendfollower. I started surfing Youtube and nearly died! I can just feel each string being pulled and lose my breathe. Just...oh gods! I was originally looking up Irish Violin, for a more up-beat tune you know? Then...I stumbled over Violin Rock and followed it. I just love it!

I'm waiting for Chris to come back from class, just lounging around, finished a load of laundry and am thinking about what we may have for dinner tonight. Yay for responsibility! We both need to finish our applications and start going crazy until we get a job. I need to pay for next semester's classes. Can't do that when I managed to get myself into the red. Yay for being a fucking idiot. I just decided not to stop myself from spending. I wanted a shirt...so I got it. I bought both Chris and his brother their WoW games, plus a lot of books I won't be able to read until later. Just through in another load of laundry. All my petite pretties...lol.

Chris is hinting that I should try WoW. At least once...and I am a bit curious...but not entirely sure I want to play. I have had enough of watching my parents play EQ for about...10+ years of my existence...I don't need to do the same. I would rather type my life away then read a good book...while listening to Danse Macabre. Makes me a very happy camper right now. I probably should be typing up in NaNoWriMo, but I haven't been able to bring myself to really do it. Just not my cup of tea I guess. Having to rush to get it finished is mildly irritating. Maybe I should just run to my own tempo. I have always done so with my flute.

I guess I am kind of trying to stay connected with a dear friend of mine. Been afraid of losing her somewhere...but I haven't been answering the roleplay so I guess that is my fault. I am not stalking...I swear! Well, I guess I am just a little bit.

Yay for starting anew?! I must admit, I kind of grabbed an InsaneJournal because of a friend of mine. Who may or may not know I am on here...Oh well. It's another Journal to go crazy on. Since my Livejournal has...failed? More or less kind of died on me. All my friends went to here and GreatestJournal, so I guess it was time to move on to something new.

OH! I am engaged! Can you believe it? Years of insanity, all the damned drama...and the only time I wasn't looking for a boy/girlfriend...I came across a dorky boy at a Yaoi-con. We hit it off so well that I am living with him and have a pretty ring around my finger. I'm PSYCHED! We've decided to have the wedding in Scotland. I told him I want an unconventional wedding out of the United States. So...Scotland it is! I am excited. And terrified.

Seriously...can you believe it? Me? Engaged? Wow...I can hardly believe it. But..there's the ring...and the delicious kisses he surprises me with! I am in a comfortable haze of honey. Happy? Yeah. Definetly. He supports me in my decisions, encourages me, holds me, comforts me. Hell, he and I are getting a new puppy as soon as we can afford one. This adorable Japanese Chin! So cute...and the pup has already claimed me as his own. Funny how that works. Well, post more later. Peace out!

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Pink Floyd; The Wall